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I took 3 tests today. i'm super tired but this is like, really one of those important things you really really have to blog about.

#1 Maths common test:
argh, i didn't finish the paper. I think i took too much time at the first question. i was really slow at that point of time. there were 7 questions and i almost completed 7a :*(

#2 Violin exam (grade 7):
Went with JQ. i got a lecture from the security guard cos i passed the letter of excuse to my form teacher instead of him. haha. people were looking at us cos we were in school uniform and they probably thought we were ponning. lol. JQ's gonna take grade 6(piano) next year. i think i'm gonna take grade 8. i hope i can get diploma by the end of my secondary school life ;D

i wasn't really nervous when i was playing the pieces but i made a few mistakes and kicked and am still kicking myself about it. stupid mistakes.

my scales were okay, i guess, maybe even better than usual.

Argh. my sight-reading was horrible. execrable. atrocious. disgusting. like poop. shitty shitty bang bang. i started before i finished reading the whole passage so i was very unsure and that worsened my already horrible performance. i think i'm gonna fail this component.

Aural: Test 7a was surprising easy, given that i'm not very good at this. see, we're supposed to sing the lower part of the phrase. i'm not very good at that. but the tune was surprising easy to remember, so i only needed to get the starting note right to get it right.

the sight singing was also very easy, but i went kinda out of tune for the last 2 notes.

aww man don't even talk to me about the chords and cadences. i think i'll fail that part. argh i don't wanna talk about it. nor do i want to talk about modulation.

eeks 7d wasn't that good either but better that usual, given that i always take very long to answer the questions. but then again, teacher mandy always asks me the questions after she plays the passage, not before. the clapping was horrible, compared to my usual perfection. i hesitated at the last few notes. argh. i guessed that it was six-eight timing. i'm not sure.

at least i wasn't as nervous as i was during my mock exam. thank God. but i was getting more and more nervous as the examination progressed. lol. nvm. what's done is done, i can't kick myself for what i did in the past. now, time to move on =]

# AMC
i ran from Bedok central to AHS. ran up the Anglican chang cheng. lol. it's so much easier to climb if you run, take it from me. very little people realised i was back and when Mdm Norliza said oh Janice you're back Desmond was giving out the papers and he was looking at me like, when did you come back? lol. Ying Ling seemed to have another one of her 'personality makeover' s, as i like to call it, and Rachel was kinda mean to me. not that it's the first time it's happened. whatever. i'll just stay out of their way.

I hanged out with Charmaine and Xinjie, who, just became my new godsis. lol, now i have 1 god ma, 5 god sisters and 3 god bros. talked and drank and blah and blah.

i learned some songs from the book Vanessa lent me. it's so cool. lol the cover is black and there's "Secret" written in very nice script on the stave. nice pictures of Secret too. nice songs too ;D

haha i've written enough now bye ;D

I cried in PE today. i suddenly felt very emo, namida ga afureta*.
Hannah and Jiaying and Elwin were very nice. Their concern was genuine, authentic.

But I never said a thing, even though Hannah kept asking so that she could change.
After all, I couldn't tell her that it was because I didn't have someone there for me, someone to cheer me on anytime i needed cheering. How could i? if she changed and was nicer to me, would that make any difference? after all, there's a reason why i'm excluded: because people don't like me that much. if she really included me in everything, it's just...fake. i'd feel it were, even if it weren't.

But I didn't say a thing. isn't it funny how, people only start listening when you stop talking?
I saw the way they cheered one another on, how popular they were, and i keep thinking, waiting. waiting...for the day i'll have something no one else has. But i already do. haha. i have my philosophy. but it's cost me friends. people don't like to listen to philosophy. they just wanna have fun. they don't wanna think. just wanna be happy. remain the way they are.

and i wanna tell them, stop floccinaucinihilipilificating my philosophy.

crying sure spoils your appetite. i should cry more. so i could slim down. I emo-ed at the piano the whole of first recess. but i must say, good music sure cheers me up. *not boasting*

I was in a better mood by second recess--by the end of first recess, in fact. I spent the second recess in D&T drilling holes in my work piece. and i stayed back after school to complete my desk tidy until 5 o'clock, so you can imagine how hungry i was. lol.

*namida ga afureta--and the tears poured out

finally, here's a song to cheer [myself] up:

HERO (Mariah Carey)

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

P.S. Pls pray for me, tmr is my violin exam.

P.P.S. Grade 7, just in case you wanna know.

I did it. I completed RD challenge in 12 minutes. well, it was a sudoku puzzle, what do you think?
If you solved it within:
15 minutes, you're a true expert [that's me;D]
30 minutes, you're no slouch either
60 or more minutes, maybe numbers aren't your thing

lol but it was 3 star. haha, so much for that.

some band members day found out i could play piano today. I forgot to bring my flute cos at first we were supposed to do PW but then yesterday walking home i realised i didn't have enough time to complete my desk tidy on Wednesday cos of violin lesson with teacher Mandy. haha but i hardly did anything today. i feel so bad. Kevin Leman's right, middles do take too much time planning. Haha, i somehow managed to finish reading Twilight in between helping Melissa and listening to little snippets of the girls' conversation. lol. Before going home i decided to play a bit of piano and the the others were going home and then they found out i could play piano. yeah. Vanessa promised to bring the scores for the songs in Secret :D haha, I found out how to go home from the front gate (the short[er] way). :) and Jia hao wasted all his water on an up and coming ant nest.

I felt inspired to dig out my old violin songs and learn some new ones today so i spent a long time practising violin. Mummy bought durians ;D and we ate them chilled ;DD

gtg now
ciao!

Happy Birthday Sarah, Lydia, Carol and Jonathan.
Phew, 28th July, I'll remember that.

Btw, here's the promised lyrics:
Alone
From Gensoumaden Saiyuki

kawaita kaze ga fuku
machi wa kogoete iru
ikutsu no kisetsu ga sotto oto mo naku sugisatta no darou

yukikau hito wa mina omoi nimotsu seotte
tooku ni yureru kagerou no naka ni ashita o mitsukeru

kono te o kobore ochiru suna no you na kanjou
ano toki mune ni sasatta
kotoba ga fui ni uzuku kedo

hatenai yoru o kazoe nagara
jibun no kakera sagashite ita
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga
tashika ni natteku
ima nara kitto aruite yukeru doko made mo

doushite kono sora wa
konna ni hiroi no darou
sakende mite mo
koe ni naranakute
namida ga afureta

jiyuu ni kaze kitte
toritachi wa doko e yuku no?
sugoshita jikan no you ni
onaji basho ni modorenai

kono mama yume o akirametemo
takanaru kodou osaekirenai
itsuka wa kitto chikazukitai
ano kumo no takasa
mou ichido kokoro ni tsubasa hiroge tabidatou

kanarazu tadoritsukeru hazu

hatenai yoru o kazoe nagara
jibun no kakera sagashite ita
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga
tashika ni natteku
ima nara kitto aruite yukeru doko made mo

English Translation:

A dry breeze is blowing
The city is getting cold
I wonder how many seasons have passed
without even a sound?

All of the people coming and going
bear heavy burdens,
searching for tomorrow
within the heat haze wavering in the distance.

Feelings like sand
falling through my hands...
Back then, the words that pierced my heart
suddenly started to throb with pain, but...

I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

I wonder, why is the sky
so vast?
Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come
and the tears poured out.

I wonder where the birds are flying off to,
as they freely slice through the wind?
One can't return to the same place
as it once was in days gone by.

Even if I give up my dream like this,
I won't suppress my soaring heartbeat.
Someday, I want to reach
as high as the clouds. 
I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again

I will reach it, without fail.

I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

I'm a HSP. Highly Sensitive Person.
I have a hyperactive nervous system.
Sounds are amplified
Lights are magnified
Little cuts affect me greatly
Music moves me deeply
I'm conscientious
et cetera

You don't understand what it's like.
So don't think you do.

P.S. Jonny stop calling me a retard

haha. No, I didn't eat durians today. stop bugging me about it.

I've been listening to a song lately. By Within Temptation, of course. Their songs are so nice. Though super high.
Here's a music video of Haldir from LOTR with this song ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D6ySNu50c4

Somewhere
Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing's for sure,
You're always in my heart

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul

Lost in the darkness, try to find your way home
I want to embrace you and never let you go
Almost hope you're in heaven so no one can hurt your soul
Living in agony 'cause I just do not know
Where you are

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul

Wherever you are, I won't stop searching
Whatever it takes, need to know

I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The truth will free my soul

I've been obsessed with "Alone" from Gensoumaden Saiyuki. But maybe another time. live in moderation yeah ;D.

i just realised i can drink almost 3/4 of Chloe's water bottle in one shot.

and steal her Science Practical book 6 times, science file 6 times, chinese workbook 5 times, chinese textbook 4 times and her water bottle twice. (the second time i stole it i forgot that i stole it and forgot to return i until she realised it was missing[which was a very long time later].)

Until I eat durians again,
Ciao!

Everyday it gets worse
the pressure
the notion
the nagging suspicion
that nobody likes me

everyday it gets worse
the irrepressible thoughts
the depression
the melancholy
the loneliness

Everyday it gets worse
the awareness
of their exclusivity
the subtleties
not so subtle anymore
the sensitivity
the oxyesthesia
their every move
a confirmation of my invisibility
Every blithe remark
like a slap to the face

Everyday it gets worse
but i believe one day
i'll smile again
this time with my eyes

Every day it gets worse
Yet every day it gets better

blah blah blah
neh neh nee poo poo
la la la
BOO HOO HOO
*whine*

I don't want to hate anymore...

...it's tiring...

...makes me lachrymose.

don't want this anger anymore...

...makes me want to lash out...

...to hurt instead of get hurt...

...just for once...

...to be right...

...just for once.

don't want to be me anymore...

...just want to be insensitive...

...for once...

...think for myself...

...for once...

...be popular...

...for once...

...to be understood...

...just for once.

just for once.

once won't hurt...

...would it?

It's hard to fit in
In a society of cliques
everyone's got their friends
no room for just one more
ostracism
segregation
Being arcane
ain't my choice
Invisible
Diaphanous
The loner of a girl
The story of my life

-ME

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